I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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