my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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