i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
