Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
