I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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