I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
