flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
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