My hand turned me down
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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