Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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