I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Randomize
