Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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