shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
