After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
