Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
