i wish my penis had a tongue
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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