did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
