my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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