My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
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