K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
