What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
