Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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