I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
how do flat chested girls get laid?
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
