on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
