It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
