I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
