I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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