I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
We smell like vodka and hangover
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