I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
