He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I look excited, but its just a facade.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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