that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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