maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
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