My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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