you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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