Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
