So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
