If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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