IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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