My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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