Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
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