Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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