TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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