Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
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