my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
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