Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Randomize
