My room smells like vodka and shame
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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