I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
