peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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