I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
