He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
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