I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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