peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I look better un-naked...
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Randomize
