Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
operation harelip BJ is a go
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
