"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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