I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
we're so committed to being not committed
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
