pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
