I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
