She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
