"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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