Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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